I’ve shared here before that we’ve been struggling with our middle child. For all the negative I have said, to be clear, he is adorable, smart, sweet, funny, generous, and helpful. Unfortunately lately we’ve also seen him frequently disobey (at home & school), purposefully hurt his brothers, cross well-established boundaries, and create unnecessary stress in our home. Our response has been ...
Posts With Tag: Difficult behavior
My {in process} Story
It’s hard for me to discern when my people are simply being punks or just want to be loved. Great post, Heather. Thank you for sharing!
good point alice…and yet I feel like the more “punky” they act the more they are screaming to be loved! It’s me choosing to get closer instead of pushing them away when they are challenging.
Oh Heather – thank you agains for your honesty! My challenging child is 10 and is testing me in every.area. I could relate to each word you wrote. I loved your suggestions and think that I will order the book you are reading. I wish you still lived in Indiana!
Thanks for sharing your own struggle Ally. Glad you are benefitting from our challenges. Definitely get the book! Sally is incredible. The first book I read by her was “Mission of Motherhood”.
I am having challenges with my kindergartner. I have heard someone tell me before that you can drive kids towards rewards or away from punishment (in other words, emphasize good consequences or bad consequences to help drive behavior), but that hasn’t been working. I’m working on instilling in him respect for others, since when he acts up in class, its not showing respect for the teacher or other students. Sometimes he remembers and sometimes he doesn’t. However, I also know that there is definitely some childish foolishness involved and not always outright disobedience, so I’m trying to temper my reactions. Easy to say…. hard to do!
I just read from a book by John Rosemond called “Parenting by the book” where he describes why the reward/consequence system doesn’t work for all children. He said that for 1/3 of kids it won’t work. That those kids will chose detrimental consequences…whereas animals keep “survival” at the core of their decisions, some kids would even chose bad consequences over obeying. Good luck with him and loving him through this challenging stage.
My 2-yr-old son often chooses the negative consequences over the positive behavior, and I just don’t know what to do. Whenever I do have one-on-one time with him, though, I just love it to death and he is the sweetest thing. I will also have to get Sally’s book and try to fit in this parenting technique. Thanks for your blog. I really enjoy reading your work, and still don’t know how you find the time to read these books, attend these seminars, AND reflect and write about them. I’m glad you do it, though.
I would like to commend you on all your efforts to connect with your precious son.
I am reminded of your post that speaks of the importance of loving our kids for WHO they are (sweet, helpful, smart) not WHAT they do (misbehave and test boundaries). This speaks volumes and its exactly what God chooses to do for us, each day. I realise He forgets sin, but I believe He chooses to not hold it against us.
Your son may have a love language that his siblings do not have or one that you don’t speak. I encourage you to visit the website or check out the book The 5 Love Languages for Children by Gary Chapman. It makes so much easier when your child feels loved instead of corrected.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you need more info about the book.
Yes!! exactly! Loving him for who he is. I absolutely love the “5 love languages” books. My hubby and I read the one for adults early on in our marriage and it helped us put words to why I didn’t feel loved even though he was showing me love…he was speaking love through affection and words of affirmation and I needed quality time. I totally agree that my little guy is a quality time and words of affirmation fellow. Thanks for sharing that book here for the other readers!
THANK YOU so much for this post which great has spoken and convicted my heart!! I have a very loving, charismatic, active and strong-willed little boy (3.5 yrs old). Because he is so different than his older siblings, both my husband and I are struggling/learning how to discipline w/out discouraging. Your post gives us some great foundation points, along with God’s Word & Prayer, to start with.
so thankful that our challenges could help you out today. God bless!
Wow this post is exactly what I needed to read today. Our son’s must be twins or something because what you describe is my almost 4 year old. I am at a loss as to what to do with him. My husband and I are overwhelmed and our younger son is being somewhat ignored. I am inspired by your post to step back from the discipline and work more on the relationship. It is very hard to take my self and my emotions out of the picture but I know with God’s help we can connect better with our wonderful little guy.
Thank you for sharing Meaghan. I hope and pray that you are able to connect in a deep way with the heart of your son. And that through focusing on your relationship his desire will be to obey out of love!
Heather, this is wonderful, as always. Our sons sound so much alike! Thank you for the encouragement to keep trying new ways of relating to him in a way that meets his needs. You’re always a blessing!
Thank you for encouragement (as always!). These are special boys and God has a special plan…now just to make these challenging moments matter and not cause tension!
Thanks Heather. Great encouragement for me with my sweet (difficult) kiddo. I shall be linking this to force daddy to read it
My son is 4 and a half and we have been having a real struggle with him over the past few weeks with the arrival of a growth spurt and the 4 year old testosterone surge that his kindy teachers told me about. He went from being strong-willed but lovely to completely emotional, over-reacting, getting angry, not being able to sleep and just generally behaving like and alien had inhabited his body! I have been assured this testosterone surge doesn’t last too long, but it often explains why 4 year old boys become a bit of a problem (it’s like they have PMS for weeks one end. eek!!). I love your approach of getting behind his eyes and connecting with him more rather than being overly strict. We are doing that with our son and it is making things a lot easier (because if we growl at him he loses it and either becomes a sobbing mess or throws his light saber around!) and he is still happy in himself most of the time. I hope things get easier with your little one
and thank you for your words of inspiration 
Wow! this is huge! searched on google about “testosterone surge” after reading your comment. Very interesting indeed. Gives me even more “sympathy” for him…particulary since I feel I have had my own “testosterone surge” during this pregnancy with yet another boy! (aggression, anger, lack of impulse control, hunger!). Thanks for sharing!
Heather this is my first time to read your blog. What a treasure it is to hear about your journey to love your son. As you know little H is pretty young. She is starting to show some personality. Your words encourage me to see H as a unique person who God longs to speak through to me.
Thanks sweet Robin for your encouragement! H is a sweet, sweet soul and what a blessing from the Lord!